Problems with Books and Reading

[Coír Draoi Ceítien]

Recently, I feel that I've hit a snag. Of course, this snag has been felt before, but it feels really particular right now.

There are a lot of books that I want to read. Problem is, my concentration is really divided. I like stories, and I want to read more, but I'm always finding something else to occupy my time. Plus, even when I like a book, I can set it down and forget about it easily. Something "better" to do always comes up. I'm not sure how to handle it.

Also, I feel completely overwhelmed by what I want to get to. I make lists of authors I feel worth considering, and even when I try to condense it to favorites or potentials, it always ends up being huge. I want to get to them all, but for brevity's sake, I want to keep it succinct. But it never works out that way - I end up with pages of names and titles. Plus, there are some authors who are out of print, but I really want to pick them up. For a little bit, I felt that I had found what I wanted to do with my life - reintroduce these authors back into print, perhaps through a small press and/or starting my own - but then the lists come back, and I'm staggered by them. I just can't narrow it down, no matter how many times I try. Thus, I'm back to square one and further discouraged.

I don't really know what to do, nor do I expect any easy solutions, as this isn't an easy issue. It causes me a small amount of anxiety, and I feel held back by my own limitations and desires. In many ways, I don't even know what I'm asking for - even my questions are confusing. I guess I need focus but I'm not sure what to focus on or how to do it. I can't narrow it down by myself, but I can't expect anyone else to do it for me.

This is probably more likely to be found in a Facebook post, but I just felt like I needed to get it out there right here, for some reason. It's personal therapy. If you can understand what I'm saying (and I'm sure I've been really confusing), does anyone have any tips or advice that I could use?

[Raven]

I think we all struggle with our "limitations and desires." I think this relates to the idea that it's so easy for us to focus our sense of self worth and identity in the things we do rather than who we are. We try to find our identity in our actions rather than who God has made us to be in Christ -- beloved children. C.S. Lewis wrote about the German word Sensucht. Sensucht is that ineffable longing, the yearning for beauty and fulfillment, always just beyond the horizon, always transient. It points to our ultimate fulfillment in the person of God, because all our good creative impulses and our identity and our positive yearnings will be fulfilled in union with God, which is a coming reality for those with faith in Jesus.

The book of Ecclesiastes says "of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body." And Ecclesiastes is a good book for this topic, because it examines the ultimate futility of trying to find fulfillment in the activities of man -- it isn't possible. In the end, Ecclesiastes advises us to "fear God and keep His commandments."

I enjoy writing books, but I'll never write the perfect one that will satisfy my heart and give me lasting peace. Nor will you manage to compile the perfect lists that will somehow give you rest. Hopefully, knowing this, we can stop being taskmasters towards ourselves and instead try to have joy, and if we don't enjoy it, maybe re-think our actions. Even if we decide to try to make these things our jobs and/or vocations, we still have to have a healthy balance. I traveled as a professional fiddler and folklorist for a while. I lost some of the enjoyment of it in the process, I think, and I stopped. I'm no longer really trying to find my identity in it, and I'm hoping my joy will begin to rekindle.

At one point in my life, I had a bad addiction to video games. I used them to manage my anxiety and escape from the present. But at one point, I realized that my compulsive playing of those games kept me away from accomplishing other things I wanted to do. And in the end, what would I have to show for the games? I realized I had to make a choice and decide what I wanted my life to look like in the future and what I wanted to accomplish. I realized that letting myself compulsively play video games would not get me there. Because I couldn't be moderate about video games, I had to stop entirely. Even when I've tried to play again, I had to stop because it quickly started to get out of control again. I like video games a lot, but they won't produce the life I want to lead.
I recently had to try to stop reading articles because I was obsessively reading them, again, as an escapist sort of thing.
Maybe you need to sit down and decide what you want your life to look like, reasonably, and what things might have to go in order to accomplish it. I don't mean deciding you want to be famous or well-known/admired/renowned, because those things are more about identity and again, that will disappoint you. I mean what do you want to accomplish or your life to be like even if it gets you no recognition, fame, or great wealth?

I know of someone who had a collection of around 30,000 songs and was concerned about maybe having to give it up. But if the average runtime of the songs was about 4 minutes, that means that that person could listen to the collection non-stop night and day for 80 days and still not reach the end. As humans, we can get worried about having things and compiling things that we can't even reasonably use or enjoy. Yet we get obsessed about having them, as if the possession could satisfy us or give us peace. They can't, and if we try to find peace in them they will rob us of it. True peace and fulfillment are not to be found there. Rather, "fear God and keep His commandments," as Ecclesiastes says.

When it comes to reading and compiling, what about letting your enjoyment guide you? Cut the things out that need cut out, and decide what would would really be most enjoyable in the long run. You won't reach perfection. Sometimes the most enjoyable things are the harder things to do. Often watching TV or a movie is easier than doing the thing that would give the most enjoyment in the long run.
And remember, no matter what, you can't possess these things in any way that will give you peace.

God is gracious to you, so do not torment yourself. Do not treat yourself in a way that God wouldn't. Remember, we are beloved children in Christ Jesus. When we fail, His blood covers us. If we do wrong, we ask for forgiveness, knowing we will receive it freely and without condemnation. As we ask for it, we already receive it. As we live, we do so hidden in Christ's righteousness. If you seek to know your life's purpose, seek to know Jesus, through whom you were made. Only in knowing Him and seeking Him can you begin to understand what is your calling and purpose in life, for we are created in His image, and can only see ourselves by seeing Him.


These are my honest thoughts and feelings.
What say ye?

[Coír Draoi Ceítien]

Well, it's something to think about. Part of the problem is finding what exactly I enjoy and who I subsequently want to look for, and given my desire to try new things, even that's daunting. It's something I guess I'm just gonna have to work out.

As for knowing Jesus, I'm sorry to admit that I'm sorely under-read. I've tried reading it a couple times, but it always doesn't work out, for some reason. There's whole books of the Bible I've never read. It's pathetic. Thus I'm still in the dark. I guess that too is a condition of my reading problem.

[Raven]

Reading the Bible is one way we get to know Jesus.
We also get to know Him through prayer and meditation, prayer and fasting, Christian fellowship (Bible studies, small groups, church), and serving Him.
Have you tried books on tape? You can even get the Bible to listen to.

[Coír Draoi Ceítien]

Books on tape are a mixed bag for me, mostly because it's someone else's pace and not mine, but as that's a minor gripe, it's an option. I guess, among other things, I like the sensation and experience of physical books. Just gotta get over it, I guess.

As for Jesus, I've had a sore lack of fellowship all my life, so it seems. My concentration has always been elsewhere, my prayer life is near nonexistent, and I don't socialize with the proper groups (not that I've found a "wrong" crowd - it's more that I barely get involved with anyone at all). Church has almost always been more of a duty than a desire; in addition, no one in the family has gone to church in years - we just haven't found anywhere that we're drawn to. It's no wonder I'm so lost.

[Raven]

Your personality and your place on the "spectrum" contribute to these feelings of anxieties and tendencies to struggling with collecting and social interaction, I think. You're a warm, caring, sensitive, and intelligent person, as I've always known you since childhood. I encourage you to be gentle with yourself, because I believe God is gentle with you.

You like to write, don't you? One thing I've done for many years now is journal. I actually physically write my prayers very often in my journal. And prayer can be very conversational. If you're struggling in these ways, why not write a letter or a journal entry to God?  Take some time to write a correspondence with God. I find it to be a very calming, refreshing way to pray. And, it feels active too, which helps.

Ever tried Cornerstone Church up there?

[Coír Draoi Ceítien]

We tried it, and for one reason or another, we decided not to go back. I'm not entirely sure why.

Just yesterday, I felt like I bottomed out. Part of it may have been the weather - I know I was feeling a bit of pressure in the head - but I was in Barnes and Noble yesterday, with the intention of getting a couple books, and the more time I spent in there, the more I felt overwhelmed by the selections. In addition, I was seriously beginning to doubt whether I wanted anything to do with books anymore. Even the science fiction/fantasy section failed to stand out to me. Sure, there were a couple things that caught my eye, but it was nothing that I wanted immediately. As for the general classics, I was really afraid that I would be bored by them. I want to read more classic literature, but right then and there, I was plagued by doubts. I'm really not sure how I'm going to deal with it now.

As for writing, I admit that I haven't written anything in a long time. Journals have never been something that I'm quick to jump on, but maybe I just haven't tried enough. The few times I've made an attempt, I can never fully commit. Still, it's a good idea; I guess I just need to find the right way to do it.

[Raven]

I feel like that sometimes in bookstores -- have a hard time picking something. And it's alright to take breaks from things, maybe explore a new interest or something.
From what you've written here and elsewhere, it sounds like you already have many, many books in your possession that you want to read or have partly read but haven't finished. Why get new ones when you've already picked others out?

[Coír Draoi Ceítien]

Like I've said before, I'm willing to try new things. Some books I get out of fear that they may go out of print and become more expensive or I'll have to settle for a copy of questionable condition (sometimes these fears have been well-founded). Other times, I'll pick one up depending on my mood, which constantly fluctuates. Finally, simply having the books and being allowed to approach them in my own time is a comfort.

There's a lot that goes into my decisions, both rational and irrational. Above all, my concentration/attention span is probably my biggest hindrance - I have difficulty committing to a book. You can call it greed or restlessness or gluttony or whatever you wish. for me, it's a mix of so many emotions that I'm not sure I can identify all of them, and I'm constantly struggling with it.

[Raven]

I'm going to reply to the content of your story in the connecting stories thread here, along with the content of this thread.

You struggle with Aspergers, so no doubt that is directly involved in the anxiety and obsessive tendencies. But there might be things that can help.

Do you currently have a job or do you volunteer somewhere or do something with the bulk of your time outside of your house or your own hobbies?
I think if I didn't have any positive work or ministry or anything to do outside of home, I might lose my mind and sink into anxiety, despair, and all sorts of other issues. I've struggled a lot with depression and anxiety, and Jesus has delivered me through a ton of it. I still struggle here and there, but it's not my norm anymore, really.
But if I were to stay at home and not have any work to do -- well, I don't think that would be healthy.

After getting one Bachelor's degree and two master's degrees, I was sick of reading. I hardly touched books anymore, and I didn't really write, either. Before all that schooling writing and reading were two of my favorite things. I was working as a musician and storyteller and folklorist, living by myself, and my work really took a remarkably small amount of my time compared to a traditional job. I had a ton of time on my hands.
Now, I work in healthcare, I'm in full-time nursing school, I'm married and have a baby, and I still teach music and am involved in other things. I'm reading and writing again. I actually think that having meaningful labor elsewhere -- even if the labor is just meaningful in that it makes money to pay my family's bills -- has helped me to regain interest and joy in my hobbies.

Anyway, that's me.